random laundry

egads

2011-09-15T08:41:00.000-06:00

time flies. it has been a CRAZY summer. Mostly good, but a lot crazy.

No time for a big update at the moment, suffice to say, when I am (hopefully) extremely ancient and grey and no longer able to care for myself, someone just please put me out of my misery. Looking at nursing facilities for my mom (for just a short couple week stay before she comes home from this current hospitalization) is depressing. The places I've seen are almost all just terrible, and I feel horribly for folks who don't have anyone who acts as their advocate. I swear, I think most of the places I've seen would be cited for violating the UN's definition of "crimes against the peace and security of mankind". egads.
wish me luck. off to look at a SNF this morning way the hell out in the foothills (WTF?!)

Hot time, summer in the city

2011-07-04T16:25:00.000-06:00

Blog! Hello! How are we today?

Since last we've ~~spoken~~ written, many things have happened, indeed.

1) I have been dating a wonderful man for two months (as of tomorrow, if we must be all official about it). Long-distance as we are, we're making it work. TGFS = Thank God for Skype!

2) Mom almost died a little over three weeks ago. Her heart stopped, and she face-planted onto the floor, scaring the hell out of me and Dad. Thanks to God, Dad's refresher CPR courses, the South Denver Fire and Rescue squad, a newly installed pacemaker and an intense 10 days of acute rehab, not only is she still with us she is doing well. And she got to come home yesterday. So, we are celebrating Independence Day in more ways than one around here.

3) I'm going to Brazil in November. I almost forgot about the trip, but, Mom gave me miles for a plane ticket, and I'm going with a group of friends from SF (one of whom is from there AND happens to be a travel agent...I can't wait). Looking forward to it!

4) I had my first (and so far, only) Colorado singing gig last weekend! It was fun - a concert fundraiser for a local opera company - and, well, hopefully that will lead to a few more things!

5) It's *finally* settling on me that I have moved. I knew it would take a while for that to sink in. I'm glad I moved, but I do miss my SF peeps. Lack of established peer community has been difficult. Even though I have a handful of friends here (and a couple of those close), it's not quite the same. BUT, making progress.

6) My birthday is in a week...weird! I plan on getting a massssssage...aahhhhhhhhhhhh

Quick update

2011-05-29T12:20:00.001-06:00

Up in the mountains...ma is home from her third hospitalization/rehab stay (hoping she can stay at home longer than a couple of weeks this time, but I'm not totally sure about that.)...have fallen madly in love with a Good Man, and though we have some geographical separation at the moment, we are working with it...CO is gorgeous in the summer...life is grand. Not without challenges, but grand all the same!

2011-05-05T21:58:00.000-06:00

I hardly remember my dreams anymore,
but what I recall is
you.

The turn of a phrase,
The wellspring of a laugh,
The serenade of a shared tune.

He has orchestrated a
beautifully spun double-whorl
only just beginning its incline around the first
bend.

I hardly remember my dreams
and yet, I find myself eyes wide open
in the midst of one.

And I hope and pray that I stay dreaming,
lest these new found recollections of you
fade
forever.

the whatif's

2011-03-20T18:54:00.000-06:00

Right now my life is a series of what-if's. And I'm learning to be okay with that, and not jump to any conclusions ahead of myself...something that is hard for me, but something I'm working on.

For the moment...2011 is still a year full of unknown possibility. What if I get to work in the mountains all summer? What if I don't? What if I land some singing gigs? What if I don't? What if this is the year I fall madly in love? What if it isn't? What if my mom outlives us all? What if she doesn't? What if I learn to tune out all the little what if's and enjoy the moments as they come? ...and what if I don't?

Many, many things to ponder and to which I look forward. And things yet unknown lingering just beyond the horizon.

Whatif - by Shel Silverstein
Last night, while I lay thinking here,
Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
And pranced and partied all night long
And sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pol?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow tall?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems swell, and then
The nighttime Whatifs strike again!

...for something completely diffetent

2011-03-19T17:45:00.001-06:00

Let the record show that I like hairy men, and don't understand the obsession with a guy having a waxed/shaved chest. Chest hair is manly! Unless there is a unibrow or excessive nose hair involved - in which case, clean that up - guys, don't worry about it. /PSA.

2011-03-18T21:36:00.000-06:00

The silent screams
were the hardest to bear

Mouth agape
Eyes fixed on some
far
off
point.
The pain behind them too much
to comprehend from an
outside perspective

It's not you
It's more like some alien fish gasping for breath
pulled suddenly ashore

I sit there

helpless

tears in my eyes, too.

Praying as hard as I can that this paroxysm will soon pass and
that the deafening silence will cease its roaring

Moment

2011-03-12T11:54:00.001-07:00

Finding out that your mom has a signed DNR - even if you suspected as much - is an oddly crystallizing moment.

and more cleaning

2011-03-06T20:18:00.000-07:00

I've spent the better part of the past two months getting rid of stuff. Goodwill, recycling, trashing, giving away to friends...going through the crap that accumulates over 10 years of living in the same city.

And then I moved home. Well, "home." I've never lived in the house my parents currently live in; they moved sometime while I was in college. At the time, I was happy to be far away in Texas, so that I didn't have to do any of the moving work. I do have a room in the 'new' house, in the basement, and I've probably spent an accumulative total of about 4-5 months here, since sometime in the late '90s.

All that said . . . this weekend I continued on with my getting-rid-of-stuff streak and tackled my closet here. A closet full of clothes from high school, some college stuff and summers spend working in NC. And...holy crappe, indead! It was a veritable treasure trove of forgotten goodies: swim team sweats; graduation outfit; white high heels for said outfit; a plethora of ribbed (!?) sweaters and oversize, stretched-out sweatshirts and sorority t-shirts. (I kept one fugly Christmas sweater that had been my grandmothers, in the hopes of hosting (or attending?) an ugly Christmas sweater party this year. I plan ahead.)

Once you get start the process of purging your stuff, it becomes easier and easier to keep going. And I didn't feel bad about getting rid of things because 1) They were all so outdated; and 2) I couldn't have worn any of it anyway...I'm smaller now than I was my senior year, so that makes me happy! And something even happier than THAT? I also cleaned out the dresser and I now have a place to keep my underwear! Simple pleasures, indeed.

I still have boxes of books to go through which are currently stacked along one side of the closet, blocking me from hanging up anything tall/long (dresses, etc); and the nightside dresser. All in good time. I really want to finish it this week, though.

Also on this week's agenda: go to the dmv (yay...I think); and see if the 24-hour fitness down the street has a trial pass. I think I'm going to join that branch, but so far I've not had any time to go at all, due to my mom needed someone at the house at all times, and the few times "off" I have had, I've already been doing a bunch of other errands and all. Whew. I hit the ground running, I guess . . .

I started this blog after much convincing by AZ that this was the cool thing do to AND a fun way to stay in touch with folks from college, etc. So...I started it. Some years I've written more than others, and sometimes it's pretty hilarious (to me) to read old posts and wonder "what the hell was I whining about?" AHHH, youth...

Blogging tapered off a lot last year, but I figured I'd give it another, more habitual, go, seeing as I'm now the one who has moved, and this will also be a place to vent from time to time.

Now that I'm all but moved home (my car and a carload of stuff is in CA until the end of the month), I'm working on carving out a routine here. I have never been in such as position as I am right now, as far as not having to report to either a classroom or an office by xyz time, so I am attempting to not squander this window of free time. I have to admit that I am biding my job search time a little, since in a perfect world, the possible part-time mountain job will be a reality (3days up/4 days in Denver) and the following academic year, I'll have a full-time singing gig! Dream big! why not?
Anyway, the current routine entails working out, singing (working on audition rep) and basically trading mom-sitting time back and forth with Dad. This entails: getting her ready and driving to doc appointments, making sure she takes her meds on time; cooking dinners; etc. Mom basically needs someone with her all the time, and since she really cannot leave the house on her own accord, that means someone needs to be at home with her. We have in-home CNA (certified nursing assistant) help about half the time - which is when I can go to the gym, practice, run errands, etc. - but that is not covered by insurance at all *shakes fist*. I really don't understand WTF is going on with that.

Anyway. It's all about balance. Everyday with mom is up and down. Good/bad. Easy/Difficult. Joy/Tears. I knew it would be, but I better buckle my seat belt for this wild ride, and hold on tight. And thank God for old friends welcoming me back to Denver with open arms...! That has been a lovely, lovely thing.

Taxi:Taxi

2011-03-01T22:25:00.001-07:00

The grey stones echoed

The grey skies echoed

The grey interior echoed

The tears streaming down my cheeks.

20 years young, but already an old soul, riding through the rain-dampened city

Ancient cathedrals juxtaposed with street-cleaning green machines

The early morning silence broken only by the wafting voices of radiofrance.

I thought my world was ending.

The blue bay echoing

The blue skies echoing

The blue Victorians echoing

The blue duffel bag balanced across my lap.

31 years (young!), still an old soul, riding down the sun-kissed freeway

Ancient hills juxtaposed with green-driving clean machines

The mid-afternoon rush silenced only by the contemplations of a decade well-spent.

The world begins afresh

2011-02-28T23:43:00.001-07:00

La raison pour laquelle c'est . . .

l'existence d'un monde en vivant au couleur rouge, orange, jaune, noir foncé.
tout les couleurs qui brûlent
peut-être un jour (ôse-je le dire?) turquoise! violet! azuré!
les couleurs encerclantes

...l'existence d'un air de contentement
...une joie de vivre
...un certain sens de la . . . je ne sais quoi

c'est à cause d'un ton, d'un mot, d'un rit?
Un lien inconnu plein de la possibilité?
la raison pour laquelle?
est à toi, maintenant, de la m'expliquerais...

reset

2011-02-28T16:21:00.001-07:00

Imagine a giant reset button – like the one on the original NES: a big, grey, spring-loaded button. When the game got stuck (as was wont to happen) or you wasted too many of your lives, you could reach up, push it, and with a satisfying screek of the spring-action, all would be made right in the world of Mario and his brother (maybe it was just ours that made that noise after too many resets).

I feel as if I have been lent a real-life version of this button. Not because I’ve wasted too many lives, but because I did get stuck for a little while, mainly in the depression that encompassed me after Katie died. There was no way to prepare for that – why would there be – and it literally turned my life upside-down; sucked the life out of my sails; consumed me. And now, thank God for therapy and amazing family and friends, I can look back down at those valleys and it hits me so very clearly that I was not myself. I was a shell of myself. And I am so very glad to be “back.” And though that experience has left its mark (on so many folks), I am now grateful – and not just sad – when those memories crop up, such as the little notes I’d find from her when I was packing up my apartment. Bittersweet, yes, but now I can see the sweet after the bitter, whereas before I couldn’t make it through to the second half of that word.

So now – as I sit in the airport waiting for my flight home – home! – to Denver, my brain races with anticipation. My boarding this flight is the push of the reset button . . . and when I disembark on the other side, well, that’s the screek of the release. The release into a somewhat unknown world. I am the same player that I was, just a more knowledgeable, experienced and hopefully wiser one.

Thrilling. Terrifying. Exciting. Bring on the Koopas!

(Remember the Game Genie for the original Nintendo system? You could figure out the codes and cheat your way through a particularly difficult level of say, Super Mario Bros 3. Or if you were just feeling lazy, you could also use it to beat a game faster than you normally could.)

But I digress. Okay. Time to board…

God has a sense of humor

2011-02-27T18:53:00.000-07:00

...sometimes He is "ha ha" funny, and sometimes He is just . . . funny in that uncanny way He has of convicting/reminding us of whatever it is we are in need of being convicted or reminded of at the time.

I've had several conversations over the last month about how I am not worried about what lay ahead for me in CO. I don't know what I'll be doing. I don't know where I will eventually be living, nor how I will keep balance between my sanity and the physical needs of my mom when I'm at home. Sometimes, though, I start double-guessing myself and questioning..."wait...shouldn't I be worried? Oh crap, I should be worried that I'm NOT worried!?" That is a dangerous spiral to head down, and I am grateful to God, family and the friends who have kept me from diverting on to that path. And this morning? I went to church for the first time in a month (due to many reasons), and the sermon? It was this:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6: 25-34)

As bumpy a faith-journey that I've encountered over the past two years, I have not strayed so far as to forget whence I've come, and what (and who) it is that ultimately sustains me. For such constant reminders and examples of the above that I've had since my decision to move...wow, for those (and to God), I am thankful beyond what I can put into words here.

James Cromwell on acting

2011-02-27T01:00:00.000-07:00

Several years ago, when I was taking an improv acting class, the teacher sent out this James Cromwell quote:
Basically, what you are doing out there is you. When it comes down to it, what the people see, what they want to see, is not a role or a character or a piece of work.
What they want to see is you. Your breath, your thoughts, your laughter, your violence, your pain, all of it.
What you have to ask yourself is, "Where am I in all of this and how am I going to communicate that?" That's when you notice that you flinch, that you duck and pull away from those parts of yourself that you are unwilling to have other people see. But that's where the gravy is, where your talent is, where the life resides. You have to keep going back there, to trust that the terrible has already happened, that you've survived and that you're okay, exactly the way you are.
You have to walk toward the demons, not run from them. And you'll find that if you put out your hand, not as a fist, but palm up, you'll go right through them like tissue paper. That's when you can be in the moment, any moment.

When I read this seven or eight years ago, a light bulb went off for me: acting meant putting yourself out there - letting go, as it were. As an introvert (albeit one with extroverted tendencies), that was quite difficult for me at first to do on stage, as it was difficult for me in real life. But the thing about acting? Everything is "safe"; there are no repercussions (method acting aside, perhaps?) to cutting loose and letting everything hang out on stage. Why not? What have you got to lose? It takes time, though, to learn as an actor of how to get to that place. Of practicing enough to train your brain that it's okay to access that color or pursue that emotional response. It's very odd, strange and wonderful thing to be onstage, but I digress a little.

Last month, I had the pleasure of singing on a fantastic flamenco-themed concert. I love any kind of Latin/Spanish/"exotic" sounding music, and this was a super fun gig for me. However, that said, it took a great deal of focus for me to get out of my own head and "let go" into some of the parts of the concert...namely, the Carmen excerpts I had to sing. Not only was this all "concert style" (read: no sets nor costumes to fall back on), but I was the ONLY singer. That was a first for me...thrilling as it was, I knew I had to bring my "A" game to this one, and quite frankly, Carmen's naked sensuality - naked in the sense that her sensuousness is so open and public - scared me a little. I - in my own life - definitely have that side, but am not quite so laid bare in public, as it were. (Ah - the introvert strikes again!) So, I was mulling all of this over one day on my hour-long drive out to rehearsal...really trying to get inside of my head and Carmen's psyche, and seeing where the twain should meet up - or not, perhaps, and a few things dawned on me:
1. It had been a LONG time since I had had to play that particular seductive color onstage. Mostly? I am the old ladies; the nurses; the crazy folks; the best friend...all those characters are close to my surface, ready to be brought forth fairly easily. Carmen? She was in there somewhere - I just had to dig her out from under all those other people.
2. A word of advice from my voice teacher: just let go. Just let go! Let go and don't watch yourself - just - sing the hell of it.
3. A word of advice as posted on my facebook: "Say yes, to everything"; so I said yes to Carmen, yes to taking the time to envision the life of an olive-skinned gypsy; yes to spending time with a fringed mantilla, learning how to not get it tangled on my head when I swished it around; yes to walking around my home with flamenco music playing until I could easily transition my walk from blond-blue-eyed-protestant-raised-opera-singer to a more earthy-gypsy-pelvis-driven-cigarette-factory-worker's sway; and yes to finally letting go.

And I had SO much fun come showtime.

the final countdown

2011-02-25T23:26:00.000-07:00

...more than just a great song.

I'm in the final (final?) countdown of the move. The pods are in storage. Ecohaul has taken away the crappe accumulated over 10+ years. And I sit in a very echo-y place typing this and putting off (for one night) the rest of the sorting-through-of-important-papers I need to do.

I fly out Monday. Only to be back at the end of the month with my dad (he's coming for a business trip) to have a little respite time, too, for him from mom.

I am...equal parts excited, happy, nervous, optimistic, curious, stressed and ready for this move. Still have a lot of unknowns as to some of the details...but they will work out.

Time for bed. But first, check THIS out.

flotsam and jetsam

2011-02-23T18:58:00.000-07:00

bubble wrap (therapeutic or annoying?) box tops miscellaneous buttons
there's that 9-volt I needed for the smoke detector at 2am
why did I keep so many old Christmas cards?

tools . . . scattered willy-nilly . . . but why don't I have that stupid little ikea key anymore? flashlights and earthquake kits (safety first!)
I. am. RICH! in pennies

clothes shoes bags wine paper paper paper paper papers!!
oh god, the toiletries. gotta figure out what to do with those.
and when did I amass duplicate assorted cleaning supplies?

jewelry watch ooh forgot about that piece forbidden rock from the middle of a park
matchless socks (bad dryer!) and old t-shirts (great for packing)

now is the tedious part.
sifting, sorting, recycling, trashing. good thing I still have some tunes. and some time. uh oh I'm out of tape. but not boxes.
locks, cards, markers, albums, photos, coasters, pens, memories

...where the eff are my keys?

rambling 0100 thoughts

2011-02-14T02:11:00.000-07:00

I am always high on adrenaline after performances, and tonight is no different.

It's late, I should be asleep, but I have not *quite* hit my wall just yet. Tonight's performance went well (excerpts from "Carmen" and soloist for "El Amor Brujo"), and I had a ton of fun. Mostly because it's fun music, but also because the gigs have been a little sparse since October (but mostly due to two being canceled, and one which I had to step out of in order to travel back/forth so much.)

Anyway. It felt good. I feel good...I feel inspired to tackle the applications for two upcoming CO auditions, which I hope to be granted a time slot for...gotta keep up this momentum! wheee!

Love to you all out there on this Valentine's Day! Is it weird to sing Carmen on Valentine's eve? hahaha (L'amour est un oiseaux rebelle...love is a rebellious bird?)

On Floyd

2011-02-05T22:01:00.000-07:00

Floyd is my mother’s four-wheeled walker. He’s bright cherry red and can be found in various corners of our house often having carried off Mom’s insulin, water glass, or any number of other assorted trinkets. He’s a well-behaved piece of mechanics: he never talks back, is always glad to help out, and is – thank goodness! – house trained.

Floyd’s name was my father’s idea. We are big fans of the comic strip Maxine in our household, and Maxine has a dog called Floyd. When Mom came home from the hospital on December 31, we decided the walker needed a name. It sounds much more agreeable, and much less “old”, to ask mom where Floyd is rather than “Where’s your walker, mama? You shouldn’t be wandering around without it!” My dad, who saves his Maxine-A-Day calendars every year, decided upon Floyd. Why would it be called anything else?

(Side note: my mother has a second 4WD walker, Walker Texas Ranger. He is black, and lives in the garage for car trips. This was the walker my mother used in the hospital, and on the day she came home, it was so slushy outside that the wheels got all gross, so WTR has been relegated to the role of outside pet. Additionally, he has a Harley Davidson emblem taped to the front of him; Mom always said she wanted a Harley.)

Over the past couple weeks at home in Denver, I’ve spent countless hours talking about, or directly to, Floyd. “You can’t go that way with Floyd, mom, you have to go around the other direction; your oxygen line is not long enough to go the long way.” “Where’s Floyd?” “FLOYYYYYD, where are you?" “Don’t forget about Floyd.” “Good dog.” Oh yes, he has become the family pet, albeit one that takes very little effort, which is a good thing – since his owner takes considerably more effort to keep fed, medicated, bandaged and comfortable.

The next order of business for Floyd is to find him some flair to complement his bright red paint job. He’s been a faithful servant to date, and I think he deserves a little bling. I wonder if MTV could be convinced to Pimp His Ride (is that TV show even on anymore?)

As I type this, seated on a plane back to SF for a final concert and packing-up of my home there, my thoughts drift to Floyd, and the precious woman to whom he belongs. Carry on, good Floyd, and keep up the good work.

Na

2011-01-24T18:18:00.000-07:00

Comics like this make me unreasonably happy.

there is nothing quite like karaoke in the afternoon

2011-01-24T00:35:00.000-07:00

Had my "official" going-away party on Saturday. A last-minute family emergency for AZ (who was going to graciously host at her home), meant a location change from an open house/house party afternoon to karaoke at The Mint. I felt like I was walking into my own personal Cheers. Somehow, the occasional karaoke night morphed into more regular time spent there over the past 10 years, and the kj's and owner knew me. Go figure.

I am not one to spend daylight hours in a bar (usually), so once my eyes adjusted, I realized that we would not be the only party there at 3pm on a gorgeous Saturday afternoon. Who knew? Ultimately, it was a fun 5-hour party! I think, though, the highlight was when my music-world friends crashed the stage and serenaded me with the chorus of Hail Poetry from The Pirates of Penzance. That was quite a special moment.

Tomorrow is a day of running around like crazy. SO, I am headed off to bed!

toes on the edge

2011-01-21T00:43:00.000-07:00

I'm standing on the edge of the great unknown. Friday (well, today) is my last day of work! I've worked in the same place for one week short of six years, and that is hard to believe.

I feel as if I've been handed a giant reset button. I mean - so much is a blank slate! I could reinvent myself completely! Erase my past and become a spy or something. Or not - I appreciate whence I've come too much to do that :) Besides, I have already changed so much as a result of happenings over the past couple, three years that I think that *that* process of reinvention started a looong time ago. Maybe it's because I'm an early thirty-something, along with those happenings, but I am way more comfortable in my own skin than I was when I was younger, and I really appreciate and enjoy that.

2011. Shall be a year of thriving, I believe. But first...one final "normal" day.

And a SH*T ton of boxes to pack.

I must be an opera singer

2011-01-19T21:40:00.000-07:00

...because I got all teary-eyed when I had to say goodbye to my ENT/Allergist today.
Ear, Nose, Throat specialist = Singer's BFF.

Strange? Maybe. He really is the best doc I've ever had, and is such a wise, patient and knowledgeable guy. I am grateful to him for taking care of me for the past several years. Thanks, Dr. T!!!

(Also? I really like scarves.)

it depends on how one defines "productive"

2011-01-19T00:28:00.000-07:00

This weekend, I:
. . . spent time with beloved friends
. . . had my first skype video chat
. . . I said some more goodbyes
. . . I spent time outside in God's creation, at Pinnacles National Monument, Crissy Field, Sonoma, and the Marin Headlands (like I said - "productive") soaking in the beauty and majesty, feeling His love and getting grounded. Some pics in the process of being posted on my hiking blog
. . . I spent time alone
. . . I spent time singing along to my car radio
. . . I stared at the empty moving boxes in my living room.
They are as yet un-filled.

Productive, indeed.

2011-01-16T20:43:00.000-07:00

I wonder if it transfers newsprint?

2011-01-14T02:27:00.000-07:00

shouldn't have had that last cup of chai

2011-01-12T01:56:00.000-07:00

...because that stuff is caffeinated, and I always forget that little fact.
So I am up and awake and have been catching up on my email.

I have started to say my farewells. And it is so bittersweet. I hate saying goodbye to people, and in a lot cases, this isn't goodbye forever, but it's just a huge change. Not bad, but Hard. In particular, I emailed a particular group of singers whom I have had the honor of working with at least a dozen times over the past 5.5 years. I will miss them incredibly.

In their honor - and from a show I got to sing with said group - here's a song from the Noel Coward musical, Bittersweet.

I'll see you again, whenever Spring breaks through again.
Time may lie heavy between, but what has been is past forgetting.
This sweet memory across the years will come to me.
Though the world may go awry, in my heart will ever lie,
Just the echo of a sigh . . . Goodbye!
I'll see you again, whenever Spring breaks through again.
Time has lain heavy between, but what has been can leave me never.
Your dear memory throughout my life will come to me.
Though my world has gone awry, though the years my tears may dry, I shall love you 'til I die . . . Goodbye!

2011(!)(?)

2011-01-09T18:48:00.000-07:00

I would like to start with a side note: I can't believe I've had this blog since 2004.
/end side note

It's 2011. There is a change in store for me. Many, in fact. And I am trying to "be cool" and not worry about too many details, since many of those changes are actually questions without an answer off the top of my head.

I am relocating to Denver - HOME! - over the course of the next several weeks.
No, I don't have a job. No, I don't have my own place yet. No, I don't have any firm plans as to how I'm getting from A to B.

I am headed to CO to be with my family, to help out with Mom & Dad, and generally get adjusted to this new normal of a family dynamic. After 2.5 months in the hospital, my mom is finally home and she needs a LOT of assistance. Though I am by no means going to be her 'nurse,' I'm glad to be nearer to her and to dad to help out where and when I can. As bittersweet as it will be to leave my home by the bay - where I've been for just shy of 10 years - I feel like it's (past) time for a big, physical upheaval. I don't want to be *stuck* here anymore - nor do I really want to plant any deeper roots than I already have. After three important weddings in 2010, I realized yet again that where your heart is, there is your home. And I didn't want my heart to be tied down to the East Coast, Texas or the Bay Area as are the hearts of three of my closest companions. Those are three lovely areas, but I want the freedom to go up to my beloved Rockies more often, spend time with the family, and travel *elsewhere* on my vacation time! Granted, my mother's health has not been the ideal catalyst for such a change, but it was the final push out of (back to?) the nest, as it were.

So. Vicissitudes aplenty!

Dude. And DUDE!

2010-12-19T22:11:00.000-07:00

Dude. That's the only reaction I can have to this front page Denver Post article about my home church imploding and the subsequent lawsuit. WTF. The original break up happened two years ago, and I really cannot believe that it is now on the front page of the paper. A wound that had been - to a certain extent - healing may have just had the scab ripped off, and grit shoved into its delicate tissues. I just cannot believe all of this. CRAZY. On so many levels.

ack.

DUDE! is a happy exclamation, reserved for the wonderful time I had at the San Francisco Symphony this afternoon. Thanks to AZ, I got to attend a Messiah performance...the whole thing! So often, the work is cut - because it is lengthy - but this was a dynamic, exciting performance (and the fast tempi definitely gave it a lively bounce), and so very well executed. It was a highly musically satisfying experience. The kind of performance I expect and crave from the upper-echelon companies in SF, but which (at least in the case of SFOpera), I sometimes find to be lacking (and yes, I am a judgmental, biased audience member...I can't help it.) But this was sublime. SO wonderful. I'll have to write more later about the whole thing, but tonight I cannot focus on that. It was so lovely, though.

Restrepo and War

2010-11-17T02:10:00.000-07:00

On 11/16/2010, Staff Sgt Salvatore Giunta (Battle Co; 2nd PLT; 173rd Airborne) received the Medal of Honor for his actions in 2007 in the Korengal Valley, Afghanistan. He is the first living MOH recipient since the Vietnam War.
Part of his story is chronicled in the documentary "Restrepo," which I just watched. This very powerful film...is difficult to watch (at times), but should be required viewing for all Americans - unless you have any currently deployed family or friends. In that case, I would recommend waiting until they are home (do as I say...not as I do...). I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment. Anyway. It's available ondemand, but will also be shown on 11/29 on the National Geographic channel.

Also - very much worth reading is the book that goes along with the film (in a way): WAR, also by Sebastien Junger.

Restrepo official website.

H/T to Joe for the heads-up on the availability of the movie ondemand cable.

.....voicing my worst fears.....

2010-11-09T23:33:00.000-07:00

my heart feels like a seeping wound barely starting to heal only to be knocked about and have the scab re-opened and bleed anew, over and over and over again.

i literally feel crazed. i can't focus, i can't remember sh*t, and left to my own devices for too many hours in a row i start to become lulled by the siren call of the spiral down back into the hole of depression from which i have been steadily climbing for months now. it would be so much easier in some ways just to sit down there than to try and function in normal society. thank g-d for therapy. and friends. and family.

mom is sick. the kind of sick that doesn't get better.
congestive heart failure, major heart damage, chronic kidney disease, diabetes, fibromyalgia: these are things that don't just "go away" overnight. or ever.
the chf could be managed for a while, depending on what stage chf it is - but we don't know yet. however, compounded with the multitude of other health problems, i am not hopeful for much. i wish i could believe in miracles, but right now? that is a sisyphean struggle for me.

i am scared that this might be our last thanksgiving.
i am scared that this might be our last christmas.
i am scared that we might not make it that far.
i am scared that every time i hang up the phone that that might be it.
i am scared of what will change.
i am scared of what will happen to my family.
i am scared of what will happen to me when you are not here to tell me that 'everything is going to be ok. i love you.'
i am scared. flat out.
and it sucks.

Freedom of speech, sure...but WikiLeaks still pisses me off to no end.

2010-10-22T23:30:00.000-06:00

I've got a bad feeling about this. Maybe it won't be so bad...?

and because this week needed more awesome

2010-10-22T23:23:00.000-06:00

Here's my short pity party for the ~~day~~ Week. That. Would. Just. Not. Stop. Sucking:

1. Saturday night: Excess drinking on the year anniversary of K's death? Check
2. Monday - now: Mom in the hospital with heart attack and (possible?) kidney problems? Check
3. Standby any day now: P heads out on deployment #2 (Cue the White Snake)? Check
4. Today: Car ticketed AND towed? Check and Check
5. Today: Credit card bill now $400+ higher (see #4, above)? Check

And for balance...the silver linings:
1. Getting to see my brother - albeit unexpectedly and not under the best of circumstances - back home? Check
2. Leg ugly BUT healing? Check and Check
3. Rangers going to the World Series? Check
4. Free plane ticket home? Check

well things are still chugging along

2010-10-21T12:48:00.000-06:00

...heading home to see my family on Saturday. Mom's still in the hospital, but hoping she'll be released soon. I'm having a hard time getting any info on what exactly is going on because she is so drugged up and my dad is like - I don't know - being weird. Maybe it's his way of coping, but he's been going to work all day and just going to see Mom for a couple hours afterwards, so he misses all of the doctor's rounds and doesn't really know what's going on. ack. Hoping that when Sibling gets to town tonight he'll be able to get a little more info for us.

In other news...getting my first care package together to send next week to P. Thanks to Army Mom Strong for some great cold-weather care package item tips.

good thing I see the shrink tomorrow

2010-10-18T19:50:00.000-06:00

...because this month is a doozy.

My mom was admitted to the hospital at some point today (thanks for not calling, Dad) with chest pains. She's a looong history of health problems - including heart attacks and blockages - so while I can't say I'm surprised, it still sucks. Waiting to see if I need to go home or what. No clue what's going on, they are still doing tests. I know we're not supposed to be given more than we can 'stand up under' - and then only by the grace of God - but really? This week? I just want to scream.

insert acronym here

2010-10-17T16:01:00.000-06:00

FUBAR and/or SNAFU for this one.

Talked to P today, and for some reason, COC hasn't yet released their mailing addresses for care packages and such. Might not until they are downrange, either. Needless to say, everyone's disappointed with this (lack) of info. WTF...way to build morale, guys.

---
In other news...AZ's wedding was beautiful yesterday. My 5:50am alarm clock was really early, but worth it. Picked up breakfast for all the girls, and we got ready at AZ's house and had photos, champagne and lots of silliness. The 11am ceremony and reception were perfect, with a hint of bittersweet (her father passed away 5 months ago), but full of love and support from friends and family around the globe.

After all the weddingness was said and done, and when I was officially off-the-clock as maid of honor, I went out with a handful of friends, and *may* have been a little tipsy by the end of the night. And by may, I mean, I definitely had some celebratory drinks in memory of Katie. One drink in particular was bright blue and tasted like an otter pop - and K loved otter pops. It was a good night. I woke up just fine this morning, but it was a good way to let off some steam.

---
The plunge back into the world of a double-schedule (day work and night music rehearsals) will be icy this week. I'll eventually get back into the swing of things, but it's been nice having 6 weeks off from my so-called "double life". I get very complacent with my singing when I'm not actually in rehearsal for anything. This is why I know I would never make it in NYC, where so many opera-minded folks tend to flock. My drive to out-sing everyone is dwarfed by my drive to enjoy other parts of my life; to enjoy the project at hand; to nurture my relationships; and to not put my whole entire self on the line for something that though I love it - I am not driven towards or by it. And that is that.

One year. Love you. Miss you.

2010-10-16T01:00:00.000-06:00

Katie Wise Friedman Memorial Video from Josh on Vimeo.

important

2010-10-14T00:39:00.000-06:00

This is a great article. I highly recommend it.

I should, but I don't

2010-10-11T13:50:00.000-06:00

I should care that one of the eminent leading sopranos of the pas two centuries has died. I mean, yes, RIP, Joan Sutherland: you were, and shall remain one of The Great Voices. But really? I don't care. I feel no sorrow, connection, or anything in regards to La Sutherland. And if I posted as such on my Facebook, you can bet that the backlash from a solid 50% of my FB friends would be crazy, seeing as so many of them have posted some very heartfelt words to their own pages. I mean, I can see the ripple through my music community. So. I won't say anything in that forum.
I am just kind of over celebrity deaths, I guess.

Yup. I am callous. At least I am today.

seriously? ouch

2010-10-09T11:46:00.000-06:00

Imagine if you will a few miles of uninterrupted sidewalk stretching along side the SF Bay. Starting at Fisherman's Wharf and continuing all the way to AT&T park and beyond, the path is strewn with cafes, restaurants, pedi-cabs, tourists and locals exercising over their lunch breaks. There's a one-mile segment that I frequent over my own lunch breaks a couple times a week.

On part of my mile, there are obstacles. Or, as I like to think of them, giant concrete stair steps to walk over because it's good for my legs and backside! haha

Anyway, each "stair" is about two-feet high, three-feet across, and two-feet deep. I am tall and have long legs, so it's not a hard step up for me, but it's just enough. Sometimes I even add a little hop up, for kicks. And over the past six months or so, had you been frequenting that same mile with me, you would see a curly-haired girl bobbing up and over these blocks, making the most of her lunch hour during an otherwise sedentary day in an office cubicle. There's an art to hitting the blocks in stride: always ascend on the side closest to the Bay, since they are a *smidge* lower, due to a slant in the sidewalk, and always approach them straight on.

Cue to this past Thursday.

Having successfully navigated my self-made obstacle course to meet AZ for lunch at the Ferry Building, we ate and parted ways just prior to where the blocks re-start for my walk back to work.

AZ crossed the street, I turned, and breaking both of my rules, attempted to not only hop up on the wrong side of the cube, but I went at it from an angle, too.

Did I mention these are made of solid concrete?

I knew as soon as I attempted to get on the block that I was doomed. Bam, bam, bam! I was down. Left thigh, right shin and wrists breaking my fall on the hard-ass concrete. I was back up immediately, even before AZ made it across the street. I called her and was like "Look, I just fell and nobody even stopped!" She was baffled by my Grace, I'm sure. Or probably not. This is par for the course.

I hobbled the 10 minute walk back to the office. No bleeding, no audible snapping of limbs, so I was grateful. Back at work, I made a beeline for the bathroom to asses the damage to my legs. Not. Pretty.

Big hematoma bruise on my left thigh; big shallow bruises and scrapes on the right shin; sore wrists and injured pride. Ice and elevation in order.

Grace strikes again. *sigh*

trying

2010-10-06T00:39:00.000-06:00

So. Here I turn to my faithful blog. I have started a handful of posts over the past month, but none of them ever actually made it to being published. However, that will probably change shortly, as I think I am...maybe...ready to come back to blogging here more or less regularly.

I had to step away, because I think that everytime I started to write something down, it was all really heavy, sad, depressing. On one hand, that's how I process life? emotions? On the other hand - I didn't want to turn into some horrible emo blog, for crying out loud.

There are lots of things on my mind. Lots of things over which I've been mulling, wondering and trying to figure out.

This is a difficult month spiked with wonderful dots of joy. In other words, a little bit of a roller-coaster!

Under the "dots of joy" category: AZ is gettin' hitched!! I am very honored and excited to be her maid-of-honor, and we are fast approaching the Big Day, and have had many wonderful showers and parties leading up to the wedding. I could not be more happy for her & N, truly, and cannot wait to celebrate with them in just a short time, now! Other Dots-of-Joy: spending Halloween weekend in Vegas with my parents. Oh yes. Mom and I will play the penny-slots until the wee-hours of the morning...it will be grand; and Fleet Week starts Thursday. I love Fleet Week!

Filed under "Difficult": fast approaching the one-year mark of Katie's death. THAT is entirely too hard a concept for me to understand and/or even process at the moment; difficult because P has an impending deployment, and, well, that is hard for me on many levels right now - but that's a topic for another posting.

what a crazy summer

2010-08-20T16:08:00.000-06:00

whew it has been (and still continues to be) a wild and crazy summer!

Sibling *finally* tied the knot last weekend, and it was a wonderful and fun family and friend-filled week and weekend! We had a blast, and I couldn't be happier for he and the new wifey.

Three weeks before that, K's lil sis got married, and it was also a wonderful family and friend-filled weekend and a beautiful occasion.

throw in several short weekend trips for work (gettysburg) and play (CO for wedding-stuff) and also a show in between all of that (ongoing through the end of August) and wow. I am counting the days to Labor Day holiday.

In other news: AZ is t-minus 2 months and counting to her big wedding date; my folks are in town this weekend to see my show; and Ty is moving to the midwest for work. Lots of folks leaving SF, actually. It's very strange. I've lived here for 9 years, and you'd think I'd be used to saying goodbye to people, but I think it just gets harder. I am not a fan, so much. Ess left for London with her beau and to start school, and P ships out this fall on deployment #2 and am hoping to get a chance to see him before he leaves.

'tis a flurry of activity!!

On a note: please pray for AZ and her family. After an already difficult year (with her father passing away, and relatives in Mexico mourning lives lost in the family related to the escalting drug wars), her 30-year-old cousin's cancer may possibly be back after two bouts in remission. Wednesday is prognosis day, and we're hoping/praying/fasting for good news. God be glorified in all things, though.

I am still here...

2010-07-16T10:07:00.000-06:00

I am still around. Been "blogging lite" over at my new blog...which is entirely different than this one. Serves a much different purpose...mostly an outlet for photos. anyway.
I am here, gearing up for performing (we open Pirates of Penzance in two weeks) and wedding madness, part 1 (K's sister's wedding and my brother's wedding all in the next month) which means I get to spend a good chunk of time in CO! yay!
Much more going on...but...I just looked at the clock. gotta go to work! eek!

thoughts

2010-07-14T17:43:00.001-06:00

Coming out of depression is interesting. On the whole, it has been a steady, slow climb up...just like a hike up a bigass hill. The views from the top are unimaginable until you get there. I can already look back to February and March and see (in retrospect) just how far down I was. A little scary.

My birthday was Sunday. It was REALLY nice and I had a lot of fun (thanks AZ). Very low-key excepting for the drama provided by the world cup with a handful of friends for brunch, soccer-watching and game playing. And I was happy to be amidst friends on that day. I didn't want to have a big blow-out party, because (for one thing) I am crazy busy this summer, and for another, I am feeling *somewhat* ...angsty? strange? weird? and a little sad... about this particular birthday, #31. Not because I feel "old," but because I can't believe that I am actually older than Katie ever will be. I used to always get to tease her about being 6-months older than me. It was a running joke that though we shared a name, she's always be the old one :)
So. It's a little strange for that to be reversed.

However - and I think this is the telling point, as far as my mental health goes - I wasn't freaking out about this birthday days in advance, losing sleep and getting panicky (as I was with, for example, Mother's Day). Somewhat saddened, yes, by the reality, but at the same time, determined to experience every day to the fullest, to get out and feel the sun on my face, and make the most of every year I get. I do not dread "getting old" . . . I will choose to relish it.

Love you, K. Miss you, still.

a few things

2010-06-23T16:39:00.000-06:00

1. I started a new blog - just for hiking/outdoorsy stuff. wheeeee. And I will still write here, too, other stuff. Check out the new blog.

2. I am actually starting to feel - almost - normal again. Or at least to adjust to my new normal - one not as clouded by grief and depression. There will always be some bittersweetness - some layer of sadness, or perhaps just hard experience, to color my point of view...but the layers of fog are lifting. I am glad. Somewhat weirded out by it all - and struggling a little with the idea that I do not have to be sad in order to honor K's life and memory. It's a process.

3. I keep thinking about getting a tatoo. Must question some medical professionals about this. No rash decisions on this one.

4. WTF McChrystal and Obama??? That's a whole blog post in and of itself.

new direction...

2010-06-06T23:58:00.000-06:00

AZ suggested I blog about hiking, since it's an (old) love I've picked back up over the last couple years. This is something I am going to do, jut not quite sure yet if that would entail a new, separate blog or what. It probably will, so as to keep the personal here and the other...there. Wherever there may be. We shall see.

Speaking of hiking...ticks? They are gross...that is all.

In other news...countdown 12 days to The Gettysburg Festival. I cannot believe it. A group I perform regularly with here in SF has been invited to sing at the festival's opening day of their Gilbert & Sullivan festivities. It will be a fast and furious trip, but fun. I still can't believe we're going! And I get to see Sibling!

Many happy things to come this summer!

back for now

2010-06-05T00:53:00.000-06:00

I keep falling off of the blogging band wagon. SUCH a crazy year, 2010, and the hits keep coming.
Most recently, bff's father passed away suddenly . . . about a month ago. In the midst of her planning a wedding. I...ugh. It's just sad. There is nothing else to say about it, really. I wish I could make it all go away for her, but I can't, so prayers would be nice. And, another friend's cousin died in a car accident. I don't know what it is for this particular group of us who all know each other going through some crazy shit over the past several months....but MAN. (Don't mind my French. I've had a couple glasses of wine this evening.)

SO. All that to say. I am still here. Still dealing. Grief counseling/therapy helps a LOT...helps a great deal to have a forum to talk things out. Keeping physically active helps, too, and - as always - I find myself staying busy with musical activities aplenty. I just...need to figure out what is most important and where God would have me be and why. You know, minor things.

In other news. Sibling's wedding is in about 2 months. Cannot believe it! Finally! Very much looking forward to that.

Hope all is well out there in internet-land aka OK, NM, CA, WI, FL, CO and beyond. I think of you all often, even if I do not expressly express it here.

Finally, based on the amount of fog that rolled in today, I'd say summer has officially landed in sf. woot.

thursday thanks

2010-04-29T16:45:00.000-06:00

Thankful for Taco Thursdays...mmmm...a haiku:

Homemade chorizo
Messy salsa dripping down
Tacolicious...mmm

behind on my gratitude

2010-04-26T23:52:00.000-06:00

so, I was in Chicago for 4 days with my Dad. Just the two of us hanging out. Well, ok, he was there for work, but he played hookey, too.

I am grateful for those four days, as it's so very rare that just the two of us spend extended amounts of time together.

accentuate the positive

2010-04-20T14:59:00.001-06:00

I think one small thing that will be a good practice for me to implement, is to have at something daily for which I am thankful. It's a way to retrain my brain away from automatically going to the negative.

Today's is most definitely fresh strawberries from Yerena Farms. I buy from them all summer long, and their berries are AWESOME.

hi

2010-04-20T00:57:00.000-06:00

Hi. I am slowly in the process of healing from some deep wounds...and I think - as a wise friend mentioned - that journaling (ok, blogging) and getting things out on [virtual] paper might help.

The truth is that I have been very depressed, unfocused, extremely tired and generally not myself...which in turn brings back my anxieties and panic attacks...and I finally sought out some help about a month ago. Baby steps! It is a challenge, some days, to get out of bed..other days, it's okay...great, even. But I never know what kinda day it's going to be. Very strange to not be in control of one's mental state...but that is...changing, bit by bit.

I have been struggling with several different types of loss: the biggest and deepest one being K's death in October. That compounded with the lack of closure for a particular relationship to turn out differently; the loss of family companionship when my brother moved across country; weight-loss, and the mental side of that; and - to an extent - loss of faith. That last one is strange...because although I am struggling a great deal with my faith right now, at the same time, I cannot imagine being able to have gone through (or continue to process) any of the events of the last year without faith. So it's a weird state of being at the moment. Struggling, but aware that while *I* might be the one having trust issues...God is just waiting there. It almost makes it harder, in a way. I don't know. So much in my brain sometimes to sift through, but I haven't been able to focus on anything.

oh well...climbing up the ladder bit by bit...

One thing that has helped is music...listening to music (breaking out my old-school God-rock) and working on some new music (that I am excited about).

What reeeeally not to wear

2010-03-14T20:29:00.000-06:00

Yes, I have been imprisoned in my house low these 4 past days due to bronchitis fun. This afternoon, though, have finally been feeling more human and have thusly continued on my closet purging of clothes. On the "get rid of" list has been - sad - three suits my mom bought me for Rush week in college. Yes, that would have been for spring semester of my freshman year, 1998. And while I am quite excited that those suits actually fit me, and are in fact, a little too big on me, it was time to say goodbye.
Also on the list have been several newer, more contemporary items which simply no longer fit. For these items, I had to try on and was surprised everytime that they were too big for me now. It is weird to wrap one's brain around a significant weight-loss, and something I am still working on. Physical changes are waaaaay easier to handle for me than mental/emotional changes. I am kind of horrified now when I look at clothes that I bought 15 months ago, and realize how unhealthy I had been living there for a while. Not that clothing size determines health, but in my case, I have too many genetic factors against me to risk being so overweight- even obese at my biggest. It's eye-opening. Being tall, I've always gotten away with carrying extra weight, but now I am on a path to reaching a healthy BMI for my body. It's a hard, but good, path. Step by step....
Ok. Back to the cleaning out of the closets go I...

Friiiiiiiday night hiiiigh

2010-03-12T20:10:00.000-07:00

..... On cough meds, that is. Spent two days home in my pj's.
Been inspired to continue my closet cleaning by watching old "what not to wear" episodes. I have a long way to go, but am making baby-steps in my progress towards the excavation of my little place. When I can breathe again, I will continue along this route.
Happy weekend to all!

Friday Five - Winter Olympics

2010-02-26T15:52:00.000-07:00

1) Which of the Winter Olympic sports is your favorite to watch? Men's hockey; figure skating and anything with skis or snowboards.

2) Some of the uniforms have attracted attention this year, such as the US Snowboarders' pseudo-flannel shirts and jeans and the Norwegian Curling team's -- ahem -- pants. Who do you think had the best-looking uniforms? Bermuda! I love that they always sport the shorts!

3) And Curling. Really? What's up with that? No clue. Have yet to watch any.

4) Define Nordic Combined. Don't look it up. Take a guess if you must. Ski jump then cross-country (aka: Nordic) skiing. And USA took home Gold AND Silver in this!

5) If you could be a Winter Olympics Champion just by wishing for it, which sport would you choose for winning your Gold Medal? Maybe snowboard-cross. That's pretty badass.

What's on your life list?

2010-02-22T00:10:00.000-07:00

2009 was momentous for many resons, both good and bad. And in many ways, I have been struggling to get out of 2009 and move ahead in 2010- a year which, thus far, seems to be bringing on a season of joy. Baby steps!

It's almost 11:30 PST - an hence, my Lenten bedtime - so this will be brief. I've never really liked the term "bucket list," but I like the concept of having a list of things/dreams for one's life. The events of the past year have made me even more introverted for the moment, and definitely more introspective, and I've started trying to sort out the chaff from the wheat of what is really important. Besides continually nurturing my relationships and making sure that the people I love know it, I've decided upon a few things for my "life list."
in random order:
- visit all of the US National Parks (and as many as possible with my dad)
- see the northern lights in Alaska. In winter.
- go on one of those one-way round-the-world plane tickets
- get married to a "partner in crime"
- get decent at a winter sport (that's the olympics talking)
- Make it to the top of a 14er
- not have a heart attack at the age of 53, as did my mom and grandma
- support myself doing something I am completely passionate about
- figuring out what that would be ( see above )
- learn how to shoot
- clean out my house ( that's on the shortlist)

slowly but surely

2010-02-19T17:30:00.000-07:00

...I am getting back into the blog of things...heh.

So, it's Friday of a promising weekend ahead. Tonight is comedy club night with the girls...should be fun(ny). I hope so!
Tomorrow - weather pending - hiking and a belated Mardi Gras dinner party. I'm making a king cake and jambalaya...mmmm. Sunday is church and hair cut.

LAST weekend was spent up in Seattle. I was up there with about 7 other folks from SF to celebrate a friend's 40th bday (who know lives up there) What a gorgeous city - the water and the mountains right there together is an amazing combination!! True, it rains a lot...but then everything is so green and lush, I can appreciate that. Walking around the city, I felt like I matched the people there in my outfit of waterproof coat and shoes, fleece, and jeans. Felt good.

Best news of the weekend? BFF AZ got engaged! Also, KWF's sister got engaged! SO, this year is the year of THREE BIG WEDDINGS to attend. I am so excited!!!

ANYWAY. Glad it's Friday. What are y'all doing this weekend?

lent

2010-02-16T17:37:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about whether or not to give something up for Lent and/or why I would be doing it.

One thing that comes to mind is giving myself an actual bedtime. That's not giving up something tangible, so to speak, but it is a sacrifice, because I just putter around at night (when I'm not in rehearsals) and waste time I could use for something else.

I might try it.

11pm on 'schoolnights' with a little leeway for Friday and Saturday evenings. hmm.

Friday Five: Fab February

2010-02-12T13:48:00.000-07:00

1. When February comes along, how do you feel about the coming month?
I get excited for February because Sibling's birthday happens, and the weather in SF is usually lovely with the flowering trees starting to blossom.

2. What memories do you have about Valentine's Day? Are you doing anything to observe it this year? I've only had a romantic Valentine on the Day of twice ever, including last year. The past two years running, Valentine's Day was spent in CO celebrating Christmas with P. This year will be very different - I'm attending a friend's 40th birthday celebration on Valentine's Day in Seattle.

3. It is interesting that Monday's "Presidents Day" is not officially called that in every state. It is a U.S. federal holiday entitled "Washington's Birthday." Which is your favorite president and why? Favorite president? Really? I don't know that I have one, apart from Washington...since it's his reason we get a day off of work!!

4. Will you be celebrating Shrove Tuesday or Mardi Gras? How? Oh yes. Well, will be celebrating a few days late into Lent at party and will bake a king cake for that. For the actual Tuesday, I will be out celebrating ANOTHER friend's birthday (I know lots of February Babies, apparently). Also? I will wear purple and beads to work.

5. Any other ways to celebrate in February? Will celebrate Sibling's and my Aunt's birthday long-distance, and am looking forward to my mini-vacation to the Pacific Northwest. ooh - and the Olympics start tonight!!! Very excited about that.

Happy super- bowling! (it's a national holiday, right?)

2010-02-06T18:35:00.000-07:00

Geaux Saints!
And hellooooooo blogosphere!
It has been an eventful month or so, and I have wanted do many times to blog, but usually upon very depressing themes. So. To recap.... Have been really busy with a well-reviewed show and that is over right now and on to springish-time. I am headed to Seattle for a friends 40th birthday celebration over the long weekend. Sibling is currently snowed in (again) in philadelphia.
Tis a new year, hopefully full of much joy and spirit. Here's to 2010. Hope everyone is well out there in cyberspace!

Slow to anger...

2010-01-05T00:17:00.000-07:00

Forgiveness for me comes fairly easy...I am typically not one to hold a grudge. However, if you betray my trust - and I forgive you - do not expect that trust to be instantaneously reinstated. Trust, once lost, is very difficult for me to re-extend.
I had an unfortunate experience today, and one I hope not to repeat anytime soon. Suffice to say that when I get angry - not often at all - you do not want to be on the receiving end. And this was righteous anger, but I do not like being in such a mental state as this. Forgiveness will be quick... But hurt, anger and mistrust might be around for a bit. I suppose prayer is in order. Good thing, too, or I might do something I'd regret.

Where's my jetpack?

2010-01-01T02:58:00.000-07:00

It's the future! At least, "2010" feels futuristic in the sense that it is such a weird number in a way. I mean, as a kid, I thought 2000 was waaaay in the future, and now we're an entire decade past that. Crazy!

I am way too tired and tipsy to philosophize about the year to come at the moment, so, I'll just say Happy New Year to you and yours!

I love this!

2009-12-10T21:08:00.001-07:00

I love this!

2009-12-10T21:08:00.000-07:00

Katisha's lament

2009-12-09T11:44:00.000-07:00

One of my big moments from Monday evening's performance was of this aria from The Mikado. Singing it now is vastly different from singing it last year. The emotions in this aria are more real than acted...however, that being said, Katisha and I differ in one important thing: she has lost hope, and I still have Hope.

My heart is heavily laden today...someone I know suffered a tragic loss yesterday. I have not the liberty to share details on such a public forum as the internet, suffice to say that the below lament - unfortunately - applies perfectly to the situation. Prayers are needed.

Alone! and yet, alive.
Oh, sepulcher, my soul is still my body’s prisoner.
Remote the peace that death alone can give…
My doom to wait!
My punishment . . . to live.

Hearts do not break,
They sting and ache for old love’s sake,
But do not die.
Though with each breath, they long for death,
As witnesseth the living I.
The living I.

O living I,
Come tell me why when hope is gone,
Dost thou stay on?
Why linger here, where all is drear?

O living I,
Come tell me why when hope is gone,
Dost thou stay on?
May not a cheated maiden die?
May not a cheated maiden die?

on a lighter note

2009-12-08T02:04:00.000-07:00

Had one of my favorite gigs tonight - something that has turned into an annual event the past few years. I sing with one particular company quite a bit, and one of their major donors has taken to the habit of throwing a big party long about this time of year, and every year he's 'hired' full productions to be the featured entertainment. Sets, costumes, wigs, orchestra...even rents out a local theater. And then there's a big party afterward to which we are all invited. And it is great fun, because the atmosphere is festive, the audience happy, small and intimate, and just a good time guaranteed by our lovely host. This evening was no different. That, and - if you were to break down the hourly wage, it's the best paying gig of the season, too.

It's funny - these particular kinds of gigs - because I always feel a little like someone living in some kingdom somewhere...and then...it's like the King has summoned his Evening Entertainment. BRING ME THE ARTISTS! And, there we arrive, on the King's private stage. And he, along with the entire court, watches us. Sometimes the surreality of professional theater strikes me just *so*. It's very strange at times. But usually in a good way.

Our show went off without a hitch, minus the fact that is was FREEZING backstage. No heat, whatsoever, and oh yes it's about 39 degrees here in SF. brrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Great show, great time getting all dolled up afterward, great trio playing at the reception, great cha-cha-cha-ing with my lovely friend F, and great wine. And schmoozing. And merry-making and feels like the holiday season has officially started now. I am so glad :)

Thank you Jesus for the cha-cha-cha! And a talented dance partner! That is a sure-fire happy time right there!

splat

2009-12-06T14:06:00.000-07:00

This fall this has been more of a "doom and gloom" place for me to just get everything out that needs to be gotten out of my brain, more than any other type of thing. It's easy, because I can vomit out the words, watch them splat on my screen and then - kinda, anyway - get on with my tasks for the day or whathaveyou. So. More splatting.

When it rains, it pours. And I don't write this to get sympathy, but I write it because I need to get it out of my system. The day before Thanksgiving, a wonderful lady and friend from church passed away from cancer. She was older, but not old, and was an amazing prayer warrior. And I know she's much happier now, but it still hurts on this side of things. And I'm sad I could not go to her memorial service, because I was out of town and didn't know about it until the day of, and could not get off of work to go. I also found out this week that a dear friend and colleague is incurably ill (some form of cancer) and I can't say more about it here because of confidentiality things...but all to say that said person is way to young, and has a family and ... ugh. And then just today, I awaken to the news that ANOTHER friend - also young - and a music colleague is in the hospital for some unknown brain malfunctioning or something. I mean. Wow. I know God's not gonna let me flounder with more than I can handle (with His help), but...really....I am at my limit.

I am somewhat depressed. The shock of Katie's death has - mostly - worn off, and I know that that's why I am not myself, and that regular life feels so surreal to me. The depression, though, comes in waves and some days are great, and some are shitty. And it's weird because I can't control it. Yesterday was great. Celebrated AZ's birthday, had a good walk (minus stepping in dog poop), iced cupcakes, and spent a fantastic evening celebrating a loved friend - awesome. This morning? I couldn't get out of bed. I don't think I would have been able to move had a bomb been set off outside my window...I just could not make myself move. If I didn't have to be at rehearsal in an hour - I would stil be asleep, and could sleep through until tomorrow. As it was, getting out of bed at noon was almost an insurmountable task. ARGH. And yes, I feel like I am having more ups than downs compared to say...a month ago...but still...it's just weird. And I know I am not the only one who is experiencing this, and it's helpful to be able to talk to my peeps who are going through this with me - because they get it, and we can all lean on each other.

Even on the shitty days, though, God has proven to me that all is not drear - because there has been the most wonderful pattern of Him giving me an undoubtedly joyful ending to said days...one day, it was getting to rehearsal and only having to bang on cymbals really loudly; the other night, it was getting to be home and watching the Pixar short films which are soooo happy; or laughing so hard I cried with friends...so...I am very thankful for that.

So. I head into my marathon afternoon and evening of rehearsal today full of expectation of God's greatness to shine through to me today. Because only His light is capable of piercing through my fog right now, and that takes many different forms, and for that I am grateful.

giving of thanks

2009-12-02T01:15:00.000-07:00

Thanks - to all - for the words of encouragement, comments and phone calls alike over this past month. I am still here...just...haven't really felt like writing for a bit, because everytime I do, it all comes down to just memories of K (see? even this post does that!)

Anyway. I hope everyone had a nice Turkey Day. I had a lovely one - home with family and friends - and it was time well-spent in rest and surrounded with beloved folks.

I have much else going on in my life right now! December is usually very busy singing-wise, and this year proves no different. Apart from this Saturday - I won't have any days off for three weeks! So, off to bed for me.

I will say, however, that Obama's speech tonight made me run the gamut of emotions: proud, confident, heart-sick and curious. Overall, it was a good speech - he has a lot of balancing to do on this one - but I just hope and pray that we don't hit the 'too little, too late' wall on this one, though, with A-stan's history over the millenia, that might indeed be the case.
I'm personally highly invested in this so-called 'surge' supposed to be happening over the next 6 months, so I wait with baited breath to see who gets orders when.

God bless and protect the troops, that's all I have to say about it tonight...

finding words

2009-11-08T23:45:00.000-07:00

I have never been the best spoken-word communicator. I was always a shy kid, retreating to the piano or other creative endeavors to really give voice to what I was feeling or thinking.

It is the same now. I have a hard time actually putting into words - aloud - everything I am feeling and how I am handing life at the moment. Combine that with the fact that K seems to be on my mind constantly, and I just have a wonderfully inept lack of conversational skills at the moment. Writing things down is a little different...there is a delete key, and the freedom of time.

Once again I am so very thankful that at least in theater, people GIVE me lines to say, so I don't have to worry about it - ha! My inner introvert smiles. And, as far as the rest of my time goes during the day, I can play very well the part of "executive assistant extraordinaire."

Last evening I had one of those aforementioned inept moments. I went to see an orchestra concert at my alma mater here, and it was a celebration of Ernest Bloch's music. Mr. Bloch had been the first director of said institution of higher learning, and his grandson and great-grandson came to bestow some treasures for the library and students.

The program was stunning. Absolutely stunning and moving. It has been a long time since I was able to sit in the audience of a 'classical' music concert and just . . . listen. And be moved. And take in the whole experience without forcibly silencing that part of my brain which constantly analyzes and critiques 'classical' performances. The first part of the program, "Baal Shem" - violin and piano in three parts: Contrition, Improvisation, Rejoicing - brought me to tears. It was a beautiful piece of live creation...something very special.

Right before the second half began, I was speaking to one of my favorite former professors, and we were talking about what I had learned from my time there in Grad School, and so forth. I knew what I wanted to say, but I wasn't forming any cohesive thoughts and suddenly I burst out - totally a non sequitor - about Katie and then I apologized and said, "I can't find my words about anything these days." As the lights dimmed for the second half of the program, my sage professor grabbed my hand and said, "Then stop talking. And listen to the music."

And that's what I did.

Bloch's Sacred Service is subtitled: A Sabbath morning service according to the Union Prayer Book for Cantor, mixed chorus and full orchestra:
Meditation
Sanctification
Silent Devotion
Returning the Scroll to the Ark
Vaanachnu [Adoration]
Benediction

The entire experience of listening to Sacred Service was impressive, to say the least. The text (all Biblical) was a reminder to me that I am not alone and that God will hear my calls of grief and questioning and anything else that comes up. I know of all this - but to have a whole concertized reminder is really something else.

On that day will the Lord be One and His name One.
And now ere we part, let us call to mind
those who have finished their earthly course
and have been gathered to the eternal home.
Though vanished from bodily sight,
they have not ceased to be, and it is well with them;
they abide in the shadow of the Most High.
Let those who mourn for them be comforted;
let them submit their aching hearts to God,
for he is just and wise and merciful in all his doings,
though no man, no man, can comprehend his ways.
In the divine order of nature, both life and death,
joy and sorrow, serve beneficent ends,
and in the fullness of time we shall know why we are tried
and why our love brings us sorrow as well as happiness.
Wait patiently, all ye that mourn, and be ye of good courage,
for surely your longing souls shall be satisfied. -Vaanachnu

2009-11-06T01:38:00.000-07:00

I will admit that I have had two glasses of wine tonight prior to writing this.
I came in from rehearsal and - having spent the better part of my down time between work-allergy shots - rehearsal - in tears, I decided it was time to crack open a bottle of Katie's favorite Italian fizzy wine.

And crack it open I did.

However, having lost a bit of weight over the last 7 months (30 pounds and counting), I cannot hold my alcohol like I used too, and am now a little tipsy.
Oh well. Nor to worry - I have too much singing to do this month to abuse any alcohol. Tonight was extenuating circumstances: Katie's mom had asked for memories of Katie ... so, tonight, I wrote a reallllly long letter about her for her parents.

But earlier today...it was Fort Hood that sent me over the edge. I am already in a delicate balance of just making it through my day in one piece without bursting into tears...every unoccupied moment is consumed with memories of Katie and I am having a hard time breaking that cycle. Good for me, though, that I have my job, and three shows this fall to concentrate on. BUT Fort Hood. WHAT THE F*CK happened over there?? It just sent me into a tail-spin thinking of all the people I love and care about in the military, living and working on bases around the world and I just...it was the last straw on the camel's back of my holding-it-togetherness today.

In talking to a friend also realllllly affected by Katie's death....I admitted that I am not angry. I am not at that stage - I don't know if I ever will be. Mostly I still don't believe it. I saw her body laying there with my own eyes...saw the horrible color of lipstick they put on her (she would've complained) and yet? My mind DOES NOT GRASP the truth. And when it *starts* to grasp it - if I think about it too long - I burst into tears.
And then? The most irrational part of this... grief... is that I feel guilty!! Guilty that I was one of the last members of her "extended" family to see her alive, not her parents or sister. Also - stupidly enough, I feel guilty that we share a name - spelled differently - so that whenever I talk to her mom, she has to hear the same name. All of this is completely irrational and ridiculous, I KNOW...but it's still there, and I don't know what to do with it.

I ... I don't know. I don't know what to do. Counseling? More crying? Being really busy to the point that I just don't have time to think about anything (that'll work until Thanksgiving...we celebrated all major holidays together with our families)??? I am not sure yet. But it's always in these wee hours of the evening or morning that are the hardest.

(Lest I be all doom and gloom....there is still much to be thankful for:
Thankful for K's family and her two beautiful boys and wonderful husband.
Thankful for myself getting healthier.
Thankful for loved ones all over the world.
Thankful for being alive.)

WTF???

2009-11-05T15:12:00.000-07:00

This is not good: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_fort_hood_shooting

Our soldiers do NOT need to be worrying about being shot on their own US bases.

FORT HOOD, Texas – The U.S. Army says 12 people have been killed and 31 wounded in a shooting rampage on the Fort Hood Army base in Texas. Lt. Gen Bob Cone said at a news conference that one shooter has been killed and two suspects were apprehended on Thursday. He says they are all U.S. soldiers.
The shooting began around 1:30 p.m. Cone says that all the casualties took place at the base's Soldier Readiness Center where soldiers who are about to be deployed or who are returning undergo medical screening.
He says the primary shooter used two handguns in the attack.

**updated**
New(er) article from SFGATE: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2009/11/05/national/a124633S09.DTL

Life vs. Art, part ...infinity

2009-11-04T00:36:00.000-07:00

I am singing the below in public in 12 days. It's not easy to sing right now, but such is life. And art. And ... something about 'fake it till you make it' and 'the show must go on,' and hell, even method acting. Why not?
The past two weeks have been the absolute worst and hardest 14 days of my life-to-date. That is not to say that there have not been any roses among this thorn patch - there are several - but I feel as if the "He will not give you more than you can handle" promise from God has been liberally tested. This period has been more difficult than my mom's heart attack and more difficult than my father's heart valve surgery (don't get me started on *my* genetic pool)...and all I know is that I am still crying myself to sleep at night. And probably will continue to do so for a while.

But...the music plays on...maybe there is some catharsis in my near future (life) from this near future (art). God knows. Hopefully He'll let me in on it, too.

Sigh.
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted.

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As their tear your hopes apart
As they turn your dream to shame.

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came.

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather.

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seems
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

In Memoriam...love you, K

2009-10-30T23:49:00.000-06:00

Katie Wise Friedman Memorial Video from Josh on Vimeo.

forecast

2009-10-28T01:29:00.001-06:00

"Blustery with snow showers. Thunder possible. Temps nearly steady in the low to mid 30s. Winds N at 20 to 30 mph. 1 to 3 inches of snow expected."

Thunder and snow...rare but awesome combination.

That's the forecast for Colorado Springs later today, where Katie will be laid to rest at the Air Force Academy in a mere 12ish hours from now. It's completely appropriate...and she would either be laughing or so pissed off about it.
On her wedding day (also at the Academy) the rain and lighting got so bad that the Air Force closed the roads on base, thus preventing wedding guests from getting to the chapel on time. Guests could not leave their cars and head into the chapel, even, because of the wide-open expanse...aka lightning field...between the parking lot and chapel. I can't remember how long the delay was, but Katie wasn't happy about it.

Fitting that thunderous snow should accompany her exit...I think she would've enjoyed that.

**Update** Please pray for safe travel for everyone going down to the Springs...*this* is absolutely crazy...

---------
Issued by The National Weather Service
Denver/Boulder, CO
8:39 pm MDT, Tue., Oct. 27, 2009

... WINTER STORM WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT FROM MIDNIGHT TONIGHT TO 6 PM MDT THURSDAY...

A WINTER STORM WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT FROM MIDNIGHT TONIGHT TO 6 PM MDT THURSDAY.

SNOW... HEAVY AT TIMES WILL DEVELOP WEDNESDAY MORNING AND CONTINUE INTO THURSDAY. TOTAL SNOWFALL ACCUMULATIONS OF 10 TO 18 INCHES ARE POSSIBLE... WITH UP TO 24 INCHES IN THE DENVER AREA. NORTH WINDS AT 15 TO 30 MPH WILL PRODUCE AREAS OF BLOWING AND DRIFTING SNOW.

PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS...

RESIDENTS SHOULD PREPARE FOR A LONG PERIOD OF WINTER STORM CONDITIONS WITH DIFFICULT OR IMPOSSIBLE TRAVEL ON WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY. EXPECT CONDITIONS TO DETERIORATE CONSIDERABLY WEDNESDAY MORNING. CONSIDER COMPLETING TRAVEL TONIGHT IF POSSIBLE. IF YOU MUST TRAVEL WEDNESDAY OR THURSDAY... TAKE ALONG A WINTER SURVIVAL KIT.

unprepared

2009-10-27T00:54:00.000-06:00

I am not prepared for today.

There would be no way to prepare for today.

None of us are.

Some are anxious.
Some are angry.
Some are just plain sad.
Some of us are numb.

I think I have reached numb. Sad? yes. Last weekend and almost every night of last week were filled with gut-wrenching sobs. Since I've been back in Denver the last three days, I have barely cried, mostly...out of protection, I think. And the strange, irrational hope that all of this is a bad nightmare from which I will awake.

But it's not.

I've dug through the old photos. Seen the red-rimmed eyes. Held on to hugs much longer than normal.

But today? tonight? I still feel numb. If I didn't...I would be experiencing a pain probably akin to having one's heart drawn and quartered, and I am not ready to go back to that place right now.

Later today is the wake. I'm going. But I don't know if I'm going inside. We'll see when we get there.

thanks

2009-10-21T22:49:00.000-06:00

...for all of the well-wishes and prayers. I am hanging in there - sometimes it feels as if only by a thread. But God is good.

Please continue to pray for Jon, Clark & Quinn Kat. They've a long road ahead of them.

Funeral services are next week...K should be repatriated from Italy sometime over the weekend.

Trying to cross-plan housing, a wake, funeral, reception and everything between two countries and 3 states is crazy and exhausting.

I'm going to bed.

ouch

2009-10-20T23:33:00.001-06:00

"Emotional" doesn't quite cut it as a descriptor of my
mental
emotional
physical
state.

More like...
Lengthy stretches of numb
punctuated by body-wracking sobs and
silence

as the tears flow

one
by
one
by
one

As I remember
your goofy side
your love of Otter Pops
the way you beamed at your boys with such love

Oh, my dear sweet Katie.
Friends for life is not long enough
when one life gets cut short.

You are missed.
Loved.
Remembered.
And your extended "family" will keep watch over all your boys.
(That's a Promise.)
What a blessing they are, especially little Quinn.

Love you.
(And get a pair of scissors from your grandma for me.)

the unspeakable

2009-10-16T21:18:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine died. Giving birth. My USAF friends in Italy....whom I will be forever grateful that I got to visit last month...the wife, a friend for my entire life...died. I can't even wrap my brain around it. heading to CO to be with family for a few days and will head back once they figure out the memorial service.

the newborn, baby boy, is strong and healthy. please pray for the dad, now a widower with two small children under the age of 2!

Reversal

2009-10-11T00:02:00.000-06:00

The thing is . . .
*I'm* supposed to be the quiet one.
That is my accustomed role.

Shy around strangers - and especially handsome men.
I can't tell 'em, but I laugh at jokes - the worse, the better.
"Call me if you need ANYthing - even at 2am," is sincerely spoken.

"You're such a good listener," they say.
"I know I can trust you with anything."
"Thank you."

Tall shoulders to cry on.
An easy smile of encouragement.
Words to soothe.

I love my loved ones unwaveringly.
Loyalty is a virtue.
If troublesome, at times.

And then?
You.

You've upset my . . . knowing how
to act. In any other situation with any other person, I would be the one too shy to venture the first sentence. With you I babble. As if some tricky imp has stolen my tongue and randomly strung words together in a mesh and tangle of verbs, nouns and antecedents. Oh, what fool this mortal be, eh old Puck?

It's nerves.
It's butterflies.
It's being shy around a handsome man, but with quite a different outcome.
It's . . . the recollection of the cold, wintry night when you first kissed me.
And I kissed back.

It's the paradoxical certainty of something which should be completely uncertain.
It's my utter lack-of-control over the situation, which serves as my reminder that I'm better because of it. Because God's in control.
God is in control.

You have the strong shoulders.
You have the easy smile of encouragement.
And - though given more to action - your voice still soothes.

The situation may not be ideal, may not make (logical) sense.
But if everything were logical in life, we'd all be bored.

And I would give anything to tell you this in person tonight.
But all I can do is send a prayer of protection, thanks and love your way.
And ~~wish, hope, trust~~ know that you do the same.

I've a lot of stuff

2009-10-05T01:04:00.001-06:00

on my mind. But I'm too tired to write at length about anything - it's time to go to bed.

In random order...wanna write about the following at some point this week:
-Afghanistan
-National Parks
-Health
-Singing
-Other...hahah

woot. Hope ya'll all had a good weekend. I had a lovely one.
Here's a pic (Marin Headlands):

update

2009-09-22T22:41:00.000-06:00

Please continue to pray for the Sullivan family.
Sara Sullivan passed away earlier today, leaving behind her husband, F-16 pilot Brady, and 8-day-old daughter, Chloe.

I've posted a link to their blog, and I'm going to leave it up there. If you want to read an amazing testimony of Faith and Love and Hope in Christ, I recommend perusing through it. If 'religion' is not your thing, I recommend reading it as a story of a strong woman's battle with breast-cancer, a strong man and his love for his family, and the legacy of one tough little baby girl. Make sure you have a box of tissues with you when you do decide to read.

I had other things I wanted to write about tonight...but this family's story has sidelined me. And I don't even know them...they are close friends with one of my best friends.

Their family story is heartbreaking, humbling and inspiring...if only we could all live our lives in such a fashion as to touch the lives of hundreds of people...just through our own life story.

Be thankful, for you are blessed.

Quick request

2009-09-22T12:42:00.000-06:00

I've added a photo and link to my sidebar (---->) which reads "Praying for Sara".

Long story short, Sara Sullivan is a new mom (her daughter is only a few weeks old) who has been battling cancer for the last year. This past week has found Sara suddenly in a coma with severe brain damange. The Sullivan family are dear USAF friends of the folks I was visiting in Italy last week, and we are all trying to get the word out and get folks praying.

Thanks.

10 years later

2009-09-20T19:18:00.000-06:00

So, I have been back from my vacation for almost a week now, and am feeling pretty much adjusted back to this time zone. Work was rough last week, but I've gotta say that...well, as little as I was looking forward to the end of vacation and getting back to the grind, it *is* said job which supports my travel bug. So...whattya gonna do?

10 years later. Returning to Paris for a good stay (~6 days) was incredible. So much of the city has changed (people wear jeans now, the Velib city bike share program, no-smoking inside restaurants), and yet...so much has not changed at all (Parisians are effortlessly put-together, the Metro smells the same, the bread...mmm).

Once again, turning to my old journal, I found a list I had composed on 12/2/1999, entitled, "Things I have learned about myself or life this semester." Looking at it, I can see in what ways I have changed, as well as what hasn't changed at all.
Here's the list - unedited as written - with my current sentiments following [in brackets].

1. I 'groan' a lot. [In reference to my propensity for non-verbal, yet out-loud, agreeing or disagreeing with people. As in: mmm-hmmm, mm, or heh. I still do it. My father does, too.]

2. I need God - He is constant [Still completely true. And I still need reminders of this sometimes.]

3. I am extremely independent [No newsflash there]

4. I love French - more than ever [Speaking French for a whole week was magical for me this vacation. I still love it and think it is a beautifully expressive language - even though my brain was fried at day's end...]

5. I can sing - but must practice [Still so true.]

6. I have an acute sense of smell [Ahhhh yes. Again, the smell of the Metro hasn't changed one bit.]

7. I take too many things in the USA for granted [I don't think I take too much here for granted anymore...I am very grateful for the blessings in my life. This was one of the lessons I took to heart 10 years ago.]

8. I want to get married eventually [Still true. Though watching Sibling plan a wedding? Elopement sounds better - but my mom would kill me hahahha].

9. I am way taller than your average European [Oh yeah.]

10. I miss my girlfriends [Had a really close-knit group of galpals in college and high school. I *still* miss them, given that most of us are now scattered across the globe. Thank goodness for Facebook! lol]

11. I really miss seeing my brother grow up [Ah...and I am immeasurably grateful for the time we spent living together here in SF. Truly special.]

12. I am very different from who I was in high school [hmm. I am different from who I was in college...but I think I'm getting closer to returning to who I was as a kid, in some ways.]

13. I don't like boring classes - I get lazy in them [Hitting the nail on the head. Still.]

14. I am turning into my parents [Scary, but yes. And hopefully more in the good ways, than in the ... not-so-good ways.]

15. I really like champagne [OH yeah!]

16. I miss smiling - a lot [Note: a female by herself navigating the streets of Paris, the metro, etc, does NOT smile at strangers. It's taken as an "invitation" to a very specific kind of ... ahem...male attention. Very unlike the streets of my college grounds of Dallas, where everyone was friendly.]

17. I am much 'better off' than a lot of my friends [I grew up in a comfortable household - my father is a physician and worked hard (still does!) for his family. This is something I have never taken for granted and any of my parents' support of me - materially speaking - and generosity in general has been both humbling and something I've tried to 'pay forward' in my own life.]

18. I am judgmental - [I have had - and probably still will have - my moments with this one. And while I have become much more open to some things in my "elder" years . . . in some ways, I have probably become more closed. I think both is a function of living in SF for 8+ years, now.]

19. I don't like couchettes (see #9) [Couchettes are the sleeping cars on overnight train-trips which feature 6 fold down bench-things for sleeping. Again, I'm taller than your average European - those benches are incredibly awkward for me.]

20. I am tolerant [Funny, after writing #18 up there. Again, yes, I am both tolerant and judgmental, depending on the subject, I guess. Aren't we all?]

21. I do get homesick a little [This is probably more true NOW than it was 10 years ago.]

22. I like the fact that I am keeping a journal [I like the fact that I am keeping a blog.]

23. I like tomatoes and mushrooms - but not headcheese [Before I lived in France, I hated BOTH tomatoes and mushrooms. I like them now. Headcheese is still disgusting.]

24. I need lots of sleep [I still do. And I still probably don't get enough.]

25. I hate commuting [ditto]

26. I am on display 24/7 [Interesting comment. I don't remember why I wrote that, but I guess something about how I present myself to the outside world. I don't really feel this way currently.]

27. I don't *have* to be addicted to email [Amen to that! Even though I am totally reliant upon email these days.]

28. It's not that gross to go for a week without shaving my legs [hahahahah. That is hilarious. I *had* been living in very hot, very fixy Dallas, so moving to cold Paris where showers where small and shaving difficult...this really was a revelation for me. I mean...if you're wearing long pants in the winter, and you don't have a boyfriend...anything goes! lol]

29. I enjoy having older (adult) friends [I have been this way since I was a kiddo]

30. I can read people well [I try to use my power for good.]

31. I need to learn more about politics and current events [I have become much better at this, these days.]

Macarons, eclairs, et gougeres, oh my!

2009-09-07T06:10:00.000-06:00

I learned how to make macarons today. And eclairs. And gougeres (savory little puff things). It was a very fun morning!! We were a small class of four students - all women, go figure - at Les Promenades Gourmandes, run by a lovely woman called Paule Caillat. However, as she is not a pasty chef, the patisserie course this morning was led by the wonderful Joel .... (can't remember his last name right now, will edit later!) It was great fun and I have the recipes for all of this stuff now . . . not sure if any would come out as good as it does here, but I'm all for giving it the college try.

I have another course there on Wednesday - this one a three-course meal, not pastry. Another girl from this morning's class (who has come to Paris to celebrate turning 30 and revisit some of her college days here - will be there, too.) So, that's fun!

Not to worry - I'm not at all spending my life writing at a computer whilst en France. I just got home and had a "jambon, crudite et fromage" sandwich...so delicious. And I have to take a 30 minute nap before I crash face first into this computer. I managed to stay awake until 9:30pm last night (after arriving yesterday morning), but have since been wide awake since 3:00 am.

Later this afternoon: Carrousel du Louvre for a little shopping followed by a tour of the Centre Pompidou. Or perhaps vice versa - I haven't decided just yet :)
Tomorrow is lunch with a college friend who now lives here...ah...the blessings of reconnecting with people through Facebook. Even if we haven't really talked for 10 years, we picked up on the phone right where we left off...gotta love that.

BON. Happy Labor Day, all! And it's nap time . . .

curiouser and curiouser

2009-09-05T11:50:00.001-06:00

....women wearing stilletto heels at the airport. The kind with lots
of straps and buckles, even. There is a time and place for sexy
shoes...walking through airports does *not* strike me as one of those
times.
In other news, was all packed up by 9pm last night-a new record for me
(usually I am up until at least midnight before a trip). However, I
could hardly sleep last night, I was so excited! Whooo! Bring on the
first leg, sfo to detroit! Then detroit to cdg!

You just can't make this up

2009-09-04T00:56:00.000-06:00

It's been 10 years since I was a student in paris (during my junior year of college). I came across my old journal that I kept during that time, and boyyyy.... It is filled with some gems (mixed in with what now seems to be an obsession with writing about every single meal time!). So here, dear readers, are some of the best (thus far in my rereadings):
9/7/99: "Finally at 12- we decided to go home so we wouldn't miss the metro. Put on my 'metro face' and made it back by 12:30. Saw a hooker."
10/3/99: "We had a clear, cold day and it was beautiful! There were still lots of flowers- can't even describe them! Came back and went for aperitifs at the neighbors' new place. The crazy grandma told us how she suckled 2 kittens with her own milk! Ack."
10/9/99: "... We had champagne which was fab and foie gras--not so fab."
10/17/99: "Leave for thoronet abbey and see real live monks!!"
10/18/99: "... go back to Nice for dinner. See a hooker - ack!"
10/21/99: "Class etc ... Find out dad could've been shot by mental patient and my keys were sent home from north Carolina!"
10/30/99: "Up at 7:14. Talked to mom and dad before leaving."
11/27/99: "I accidentally dropped my discman and now it doesn't work!! And I bought earphones for it TODAY at fnac-ACK-I can't believe it."

ahhhh.....so funny to relive some of old memories. And realize that I ate a ton of Chinese food whilst in Paris. I guess it was cheap! Hahaha!

Final countdown

2009-09-02T23:25:00.000-06:00

I started thinking through my packing tonight, and hope to do the actual packing tomorrow. This saves me from staying up too late friday before my flight on saturday morning. Whohoo!

I'll be gone for 10 days to France and italy, and I am so looking forward to some r&r!!

to paraphrase

2009-08-28T17:45:00.000-06:00

1. My laptop is broken. Again. But I probably won't get it fixed until after my vacation.
2. Sibling officially moved to Philly about month ago, and is now an east-coaster. Without ESPN on 24/7, the house is much quieter. I miss him, though.
3. I played hookey with my boss a couple weeks ago. She has season tix to the SF Giants, and took me to see them play a day-game against the Dodgers. Great game!
4. Bagged my first peak a few weekends back. If 2,517 feet counts as a "peak," that is. Around here it does. Mission Peak is a short 3.2 miles each way, but steep and exposed. The view from the top? Gorgeous!
5. I leave for vacation in ... 8 days. Paris and Italy, here I come!
6. Church is at an interesting crossroads right now. Sadly - and still surreally - our pastor passed away almost two months ago, God is good and He loves us, but there are moments when this is still raw.
7. One of the benefits of aging is realizing that I don't have to apologize for who I am. I am who I am...even if that person changes (hopefully for the better).
8. I am the incredible shrinking woman. Hear me roar.
9. I am an observer. I enjoy watching people and listening to them speak without opening their mouths. Generally, this is a very good skill and has served me quite well. Specifically, it is harder to enjoy/utilize when communicating with someone else like this-especially over the phone.
10. I have not really sung (church doesn't count) since June, but I had a lesson this week. It went better than I thought it would.
11. I am worried about my mother...nothing new there, but it just seems to always be something.
12. I love taking Arabic but I cannot take it this coming term because I will be missing half the classes due to travel conflicts.
13. The state of CA is having a garage sale in Sacramento. Yup. A garage sale. Because that is going to bail us out of our ridiculous debt. *eyeroll* Perhaps it’s time to think about voting oneself off of this West Coast Island, and head for higher ground.
14. The Bay Area is beautiful – and by not having been in a show this summer, I’ve had time to explore the easily-accessible nature just outside the city limits. Still haven’t made it to Yosemite, yet. But that is on my list!!
15. I am blessed with many loved and be-loved ones.
16. Dark chocolate. Need I say more?
17. According to a certain SPC, the Army would be much better off if the “kids today” enlisting understood – or even knew about – the comedy of Monty Python. I would have to agree; the world at large could use a dose of humo[u]r.
18. Same goes for understanding/being aware of the Cold War.
19. I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay.
20. Next Friday: chicken and waffles office lunchtime run!

Le (pauvre) Petit Prince

2009-08-14T16:20:00.000-06:00

Once again, the genii over at XKCD have made me snort out loud laughing. At work.

Friday Five - Child's Play

2009-07-31T13:04:00.000-06:00

From RevGals: Maybe you are better at it than me, but my first-born, responsible demeanor rarely lets up enough for me to do frivolous silly things – like playing on playgrounds – without a good reason. My friend will stand up in a crowded restaurant and serenade me with an operatic rendition of Happy Birthday. My sister is very good at grabbing the joy in the moment. I seem to need a child to bring it out in me and even then… it takes a lot.

Today’s Friday Five celebrates the spontaneous child in all of us…or at least the one that we admire in someone else.

1) On a scale of 1-5, with "5" being I can’t do this now I am about to jump into a pit of plastic balls at the mini-mall, and "1" being I can’t do this now until I can get all of the fonts on my blog to match – where are you? Today? I am about at a "2" right now - ready to be out from behind my desk at work and go outside to play!! But maybe a nap, first. That might push me to a "1" right there!.

2) What is the silliest/most childlike thing you have done as an adult? Ummmm how about the most recent? That would be dressing up as a Jedi for my 30th birthday party.

3) Any regrets? I kinda wish I had learned to ski when most of my other friends did, aka, as soon as they could walk. By the time I learned, I was too chicken (and still am) to fling myself down a mountain at breakneck speed. That, and my knees are not so great.

4) What is the silliest thing you have ever seen another adult do on purpose? Ooooh. That is a good question. I see a lot of my adult friends do silly things all the time!See: Professional Actors/Performers hahahahah!

5) What is something you wish you did when you had the chance? Similar to question 3, isn't this? Hmmmm, I wish I had broken my own rules and had a little wine to drink when I lived in France during college. I was of age there - but not yet 21. My host family thought I was CRAZY hahahahah.

BONUS: For our ‘I told you so’ sides – what thing did you skip doing and you’re really glad you did?! The only things which spring to mind in this category all seem to relate to putting together furniture ("you should have read the instructions") and driving ("you should have asked for directions"), all instances of which seem to apply to Sibling, for one. HAHAHHA :)

Been hanging out in Mos Eisley

2009-07-24T14:17:00.000-06:00

(Jen - this post is just for you, my dear, since I've been absent of late...)

I am still here! Haven't fallen off the planet *just* yet. But it has been a busy summer thus far. Kind of. I've been back and forth to CO twice to visit family and friends and then promptly got really ill with bronchitis. I've still got some residual asthma problems, but went to the doc again yesterday and got a different kind of asthma medicine, so hopefully that will do the trick! Yay!!

I celebrated my 30th birthday with friends this week by throwing a STAR WARS party. It was, in fact, all of my nerdy Star Wars dreams come true. I rented a screening room and showed the original 1977 version of Episode IV: A New Hope (read: not remastered and no additional scenes), AND had an R2D2 birthday cake (see below). (Courtesy of Debbie Does Cakes here in the city.) And AZ managed to get her hands on a copy of quite possibly the coolest DVD ever: The Secret Life of Artoo. I plan on watching it this weekend!

The best part, though, was getting a bunch of my different friends together from lots of different circles and just having a good time. Truly, I am blessed.

Hope you are all having a great week!

Friday Five - Games

2009-07-17T14:43:00.000-06:00

So this Friday Five is about games, so play on ahead. . . .

1. Childhood games? We always played dominoes with our grandma and great-grandma growing up. And card games like go-fish, gin and poker (with beans for the ante!). Board games the most popular as kids around our house were: Monopoly, Sorry, Clue, CandyLand, Battleship, The Game of Life, Pictionary, Scrabble, checkers and Connect-Four.

2. Favorite and/or most hated board games? I LOVED Clue, pictionary, and monopoly. Most hated was probably ... I don't know...parchesi? Was that a board game?

3. Card games? Go Fish, Old Maid, Gin and Poker (5 card draw)

4. Travel/car games? License plate bingo - try to find all the states' plates; The Sign Game (Call out letters in ABC order until you get through the entire Alphabet...first one done wins, ie "A" in Avenue, "B" in Burger King, etc. No repeats or sharing of signs.); I spy; Radio (basically name-that-tune or band, whilst flippling through stations).

5. Adult pastimes that are not video games? Any board games, volleyball, croquet, cards/dominoes, sit around and tell stories from "back when I was your age", hiking, walking, fishing, make a home movie, boating, frisbee.

embark

2009-07-10T22:12:00.001-06:00

tomorrow i turn 30...looking forward to that. It's been a very
emotional few weeks of lots of ups and downs...about which i have not
the space (writing on my phone) nor energy to get into right now.
But...30. Yeah....bring it on, world!

Friday Five - Pop Music

2009-06-26T12:22:00.000-06:00

1) What sort of music did you listen to as a child - this would likely have been determined or influenced by your parents? Or perhaps your family wasn't musical...was the news the background? the radio? Singing around the piano? I listed to a mix of stuff: country music (from my mom); classic rock (from my dad); big band & oldies (from my grandma); classical music all on my own. And then my cousin introduced me to Aerosmith, INXS, Edie Brickell and Spinal Tap via his awesome mix tapes.

2) Going ahead to teenage years, is there a song that says "high school" (or whatever it might've been called where you lived) to you? Not a song, but two bands: Simon & Garfunkle; U2. And jazz...I discovered vocal and latin jazz in high school: opened my ears and changed my life.

3) What is your favorite music for a lift on a down day? Not that it's a lift, but the blues is what I like to listen to on a down day. Or Rammstein.

4) Who is your favorite performer of all time? THAT is an impossible question. I'll cop out and say watching Sibling perform karaoke is my favorite. Because it's totally true - he rocks it!

5) What is your favorite style of music for worship? I love - and miss - singing old hymns. I grew up with them, and we just don't sing them much anymore.

Friday Five: Life is a Verb

2009-06-19T12:10:00.000-06:00

(FYI - if you ever feel like playing along with the Friday Fiver, I generally get the topics from RevGals.)

The author of Life is a Verb, Patti Digh, worked her book around these topics concerning life as a verb:

Say yes.
Be generous.
Speak up.
Love more.
Trust yourself.
Slow down.

1. What awakens you to the present moment? Sensory experiences: music, taste, sunshine, wind, touch, scents.

2. What are 5 things you see out your window right now? Alcatraz, The Bay Bridge, a Port Authority Flag blowing in the wind, B - our local panhandler, and lots of traffic.

3. Which verbs describe your experience of God? Brick-batting (sometimes); whisper; gnaw; soothe

4. From the book on p. 197: Who were you when you were 13? Where did that kid go? Let's see...that would put me in *cringe* about 8th grade. Good times, right there. I was sweet, shy, bespectacled, poofy-haired, slightly awkward, trombone-playing, goody-two-shoes, braces-wearing, silly, uncomfortable-in-my-own skin kinda girl. As far as where that kid went? Elements of her still exist inside of me, but I'm definitely more comfortable overall with who am I than I was at that age. Thank goodness.

5. From the book on p. 88: If your work were the answer to a question, what would the question be? I have two types of work, I guess.
Question: Dayjob?
Answer: Pays the bills, provides health insurance, funds my travel habit, and gives me freedom to figure out who the heck I am and WTH I'm doing.
Question: Professional musician?
Answer: Yes, people pay me to sing, act and do all sorts of crazy things onstage that I would most likely never do in real life. It's almost like getting paid to go to therapy sometimes in that it gives me freedom to explore who I am and figure out WTH I'm doing. See? That ties in nicely with job #1.

Bonus idea for you here or on your own--from the book on p. 149:"Go outside. Walk slowly forward. Open your hand and let something fall into it from the sky. It might be an idea, it might be an object. Name it. Set it aside. Walk forward. Open your hand and let something fall into it from the sky. Name it. Set it aside. Repeat. . . ."

interesting times

2009-06-16T00:25:00.000-06:00

There is a lot going on around the other side of the world.

Prayers going out to my Persian friends . . . 'tis a trying time (understatement).

malaise

2009-06-14T19:16:00.000-06:00

I am grouchy this week. And no, I can't blame it on pms.

~~I think~~ I know it's a combination of many things which can all be boiled down to one word: Change. And plenty of it this summer. I - though somewhat of a creature of habit - enjoy adventures and traveling and new experiences, but I don't necessarily like change in various forms. It's painful. It's complicated. Even if it *is* for the better.

I'm turning 30 in just under a month (7/11 for anyone keeping track). On many fronts, I am quite excited about entering this new decade. I'm more comfortable with myself than I was at 20, I am taking the time to get healthier for myself, and I enjoy having the freedom to do certain things because I am an adult and I can. It's nice. However, I think the thing that gives me pause is when I start to dwell too much on the "what-if's" in life. Those always seem to crop-up near landmark birthdays, don't they? I try not to let them get to me, but sometimes they creep in.

Other changes . . . my younger brother, with whom I've gladly shared a house for the past 3.5 years, is moving to the East Coast this summer. Words cannot begin to express the joy it has been to live with him and get to know him as a grown-up, instead of just the tow-headed little boy from childhood memories and photos. We are close, and I consider myself extremely blessed in that regard. An added bonus has been becoming great friends with his fiancee, who lived with us for 2 of those years, before moving out to the East Coast for school (hence the brother's move). It is a change for him, as he starts this chapter of living with his life-mate all on their own, and I am thrilled for him. But, admittedly, I - selfishly - am mourning the end of this particular time period we've shared.

And more change...maybe...on certain horizons about which I cannot blog. I don't know. There are just some situations in life I can't control, no matter how much I'd like to do so - and it's hard for me to let go and "let God" as it were, even though I know it's much better in the long run when I do. It's just living in a prolonged state of unknowningness is...difficult.

I know this is just a season for me - lots of events converging - and I'm floundering a little. And I have a ton of extra time on my hands right now to ponder and sit because I am not involved in any theatrical productions this summer. Which is another story...mostly good, though.

This too shall pass.

You don't look at day over 200

2009-06-14T19:15:00.000-06:00

Happy 234th birthday to the good ole US Army. Thanks for keeping us safe, ladies & gents!

2009-06-12T23:04:00.000-06:00

I want to be the "Yes" - not the "Yes, but . . ."

Friday Five - Grocery stores

2009-06-12T00:35:00.000-06:00

1. Grocery shopping--love it or hate it? eh. It's okay.

2. Who is the primary food shopper in your household? Me. My brother does sometimes...but he doesn't cook.

3. Do you have a beloved store (like Trader Joe's) which is unique to your location or family? Trader Joe's! I also like Andronicos, but I don't get there very often.

4. How about a farmer's market, or CSA share, as we move into summer? Or do you grow your own fruits/veggies/herbs? I do enjoy farmers' markets, and I like walking down to the one near my office on Tuesday afternoons.

5. What's the favorite thing you buy at the grocery store? I probably by the most of soy milk and oatmeal (my breakfast staples). I don't know that that makes it my *favorite*, per se, but I do buy it frequently.

Colber(t) in Iraq this week

2009-06-08T13:10:00.000-06:00

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Exclusive - Where and When Is Stephen Going to the Persian Gulf - Iraq Announcement

colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

Keyboard Cat

random laundry

egads

Hot time, summer in the city

Quick update

the whatif's

...for something completely diffetent

Moment

and more cleaning

you are here

Taxi:Taxi

reset

God has a sense of humor

James Cromwell on acting

the final countdown

flotsam and jetsam

rambling 0100 thoughts

On Floyd

Na

there is nothing quite like karaoke in the afternoon

toes on the edge

I *must* be an opera singer

it depends on how one defines "productive"

I wonder if it transfers newsprint?

shouldn't have had that last cup of chai

2011(!)(?)

Dude. And DUDE!

Restrepo and War

.....voicing my worst fears.....

Freedom of speech, sure...but WikiLeaks still pisses me off to no end.

and because this week needed *more* awesome

well things are still chugging along

good thing I see the shrink tomorrow

*insert acronym here*

One year. Love you. Miss you.

important

I should, but I don't

seriously? ouch

trying

what a crazy summer

I am still here...

thoughts

a few things

new direction...

back for now

thursday thanks

behind on my gratitude

accentuate the positive

hi

What reeeeally not to wear

Friiiiiiiday night hiiiigh

Friday Five - Winter Olympics

What's on your life list?

slowly but surely

lent

Friday Five: Fab February

Happy super- bowling! (it's a national holiday, right?)

Slow to anger...

Where's my jetpack?

I love this!

I love this!

Katisha's lament

on a lighter note

splat

giving of thanks

finding words

WTF???

Life vs. Art, part ...infinity

In Memoriam...love you, K

forecast

unprepared

thanks

ouch

the unspeakable

Reversal

I've a lot of stuff

update

Quick request

10 years later

Macarons, eclairs, et gougeres, oh my!

curiouser and curiouser

I must be an opera singer

and because this week needed more awesome

insert acronym here